Losing My Whacking Virginity

So today I finally did it. It took me 30 years but I lost my whacking virginity. Weed whacking that is. I never realized you actually had to have coordination to do this seemingly simple task. I never planned on doing it but after two days of pulling weeds by hand I said fuck it and went for the lawn equipment.

I picked up the weed whacker and turned it on only it didn't actually come on so I cursed at it a few times. Duh, it needs an extension cord. So I plugged it in, told Lexi to take Skye inside and I turned that sucker on. WHEEEEEEENNNNNN! Cool, power! I lowered it to the ground and started to go! Holy shit! No one ever told me that the weeds go straight for your legs and when they are moving a million miles per hour that shit hurts! So I'm kind of bending over and holding it way out from my body. I probably look like a senior citizen with a whirring walker but whatever, it is getting the job done. I'm in the groove thinking this is easy as pie when I cut into a branch on my pomegranate bush. Thunk! Right into my shin! I am starting to think I should have stuck with weeding by hand. But the flower bed is starting to look great so I keep going. I get to a huge weed with spikes and shit all over it, I cut through the thick stalk and this white shit comes flying out of it all over me and a chunk of wet leaf lands in my eye. At this point I feel like I am in some kinky yardwork porn and that the Peter North of plants has just shot it's load all over my dirty ankles.

The weeds are mostly cut down but the porch and driveway are a mess, I figured if I could weed whack then I could certianly blow! I put the whacker away and got the blower, as I walked across the yard I thought of the words whacker and blower, what kinky people name tools, I could name tools, how the hell do you get that job? I could invent a machine to clear away pussy willows at the edges of lakes and call it a pussy plucker.

Anyway, I plug the blower in and turn it all the way to high. Why the hell didn't anyone ever tell me how powerful they are? I was just holding it casually, I wasn't expecting it to go nuts like a stiff firehose! Of course I was standing right next to a window box full of potting soil. There were plants in it at some point but I am the grim reaper of flowers, I kill them just by looking at them I think. So the blower points down and is only an inch or so above the planter full of potting soil. I turn it on high and it starts to rain ping-pong sized balls of soil, fertilizer balls, and mole crickets. A mole cricket got stuck in my hair which I had down for some ungodly reason. I am covered in dirt, plant jizz, grass, and weed leaves. I have now dropped the blower and am spazzing out all over my porch, screaming, and tearing at my hair with my hands. A neighbor walking the dog has stopped in front of my house and is laughing his ass off. More neighbors were coming my way, I didn't want them to think I was on a crack binge so I stopped acting like a freak and that dumb ass bug finally found it's way out of the birds nest that had become my hair. The neighbors had seen me though, and heard me. They politely informed me that their 12 year old son is more than eager to earn money and would do my yard work for me if I wanted. Then they pointed out that I shouldn't be wearing flip-flops. Oh. I knew that but I only have one pair of tennis shoes and I don't want them grass-stained, that wouldn't look cute during Zumba. The neighbors realize the show is over and it is getting dark so they all walk on home still giggling at the dumbassicde that I have committed in my front yard. I spy the nasty weeds between the sidewalk and the road and I put on my trusty gloves and go to pull those fuckers, one last task before I go inside. Well the root ball pulled up a good bit of grass too, at least a plugs worth. What comes scampering out of the hole but a silver dollar sized brown spider. That was it, I threw the weed clump, turned to run, tripped over my goddamn flip-flop, rolled around shrieking when a grass blade touched my leg because I was sure it was the spider and I was going to die in my front yard alone being known as the neighborhood crazy, got back up, threw the tools in the garage and went the hell inside. Next time I am calling the kid down the road.


  1. Muahahahhahahaa


    Okay sorry that was funny :)


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