Seeing myself differently

I have been really down on myself lately. I've just gained so much weight, not only while pregnant but before that as well. I know what to do to get it off but it seems like such a long road that it is easy to get discouraged and think that I will never be pretty again. So I try to find something about myself each day to be positive about. If I don't then I just beat myself up and I can't do that anymore. Sometimes it is a struggle to find something nice to say about myself though, I can't do it while I am looking in a mirror. I usually have to close my eyes so I can't see any part of myself. You'd think I am a terribly depressed person after reading that but I'm actually quite happy, I just hate the way I look. Anyway, I digress, I am trying to get the point but sometimes I get sidetracked.

The other day I was nursing Skye and I looked down to see her pretty little face. Instead I saw my belly. Well that was enough to make me want to just stop eating for a few months. I tried not to let it distract me from what I wanted to see so I pulled a blanket over it and looked at my sweet babys face. Her chubby cheeks were going up and down while she happily sucked away, her eyes were rolling back into her head,and I could hear every swallow that she made. Her eyes started to slowly close, her little mouth stopped sucking, her head fell back against the pillow, and as she relaxed a little milk spilled out of her mouth and ran down her chin. The look on her face as she slept was a content one, the sighs and noises let me know that she was dreaming of happy things. Instead of putting her down I let her sleep there on my lap. As I picked up her hand I marvled at how much she has grown, the softness of her skin, and the miracle of her life. My mind traveled back to when I found out I was pregnant, the elation I felt when that test showed up positive. I remembered the excitement in Lexi's voice as she read how the baby inside of me was growing and changing each week. I let these thoughts and memories envelop me and I realized no matter how my body looks I shouldn't hate it. It it because of this body, flawed though it is, that I have 2 wonderful little girls. It is my body that provides the nourishment that allows my baby to grow and develop. The reason why Lexi is running around the living room singing and Skye is sitting on the floor playing is because of this body. It is amazing, not horrible. All I have to do to remember that is look into Skye's eys while she is nursing or hear Lexi's cartoon voice telling me she loves me.


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