The strength of his love.........

Sometimes I feel like words aren't signifigant enough to really convey my emotions. It isn't a problem of articulation, that is easily acheived, it is that there aren't words invented that are big enough to describe my feelings. Especially when it comes to feelings of love and longing. I never thought I would have one of "those" relationships, it wasn't likely that I would have any relationship considering I was a single mom. But here I am smack in the middle of a romance novel. Our relationship isn't perfect, I am not going to sit here and say that we are one of those crazy couples that never fight because we do. We argue like it is an olympic sport sometimes but that is just who we are, but we have a rock-solid relationship. How do I know this? Because we face adversity over and over again and instead of it ripping us apart, it makes us stronger. We were faced with a potential deal-breaker early in our relationship. Shortly after we moved in together we lost our jobs within a week of each other. Financial stress has destroyed many of marriages and here we were, not even 6 months into a relationship dealing with it. It was hard but we made it through. We had to move in with his grandparents, his grandmother wasn't very nice to me or my daughter and it came close to ripping Casey and I apart but we became a united front and stood together. The only reason we were finally able to move out is because he got a great job. In Iraq. For 20 months he was in Baghdad side-by-side with our brave soldiers. This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to endure, he was in danger and I worried constantly. In addition to that worrying I missed him, he missed us as well but to deal with it he withdrew. The longer he was there the less I heard from him, the emails stopped, the phone calls almost stopped. And when we did talk it was to argue, it was almost the end for us but somehow we pulled through. His being there enabled us to build our house and put plenty of money in the bank for emergencies...or so we thought. When he came home I got pregnant with our second child right away, it was good news but we had no idea how stressful that news would become. It took him 6 months to find a job, our savings went very quickly because we had to pay all of our ob expenses up front and out of pocket, that was a few grand we didn't know we would be using!We were in danger of losing our house, things just seemed so bleak at the time. Even when he did get a job it paid less than half of what he was used to getting so even though we were together and living on our own we were right back in the financial problem boat. We spent a lot of time just sitting on the couch like bumps but at the end of the day we were able to lay in bed next to each other and assure each other things would get better. And they did, in the form of an excellent opportunity for him. Overseas. Again. We didn't want to go down that road again and it took him 2 months to accept, luckily the postition was still open. So off he went leaving me, our 10 year old, and our 2 month old behind, we all cried a lot when he left, even him. This time around hasn't been too bad, we talk regularly, he isn't in a war zone, there isn't a lot of partying going on. I just miss him. He did something so tender before he left, he sprayed his pillows with his cologne for me, my bedroom still smells like his presence. It helps and hurts, sometimes when i walk in and smell it I get excited thinking that he is here hiding in the closet to surprise me. He held me tight, so tight, before he disappeared into the airport, he had me drop him off at the curb, long goodbyes are just too hard for us. He held me and ran his fingers through my hair and kissed the tears on my cheeks while his own tears ran down his face for all the world to see. He kissed both of the girls one last time, kissed me and started to walk away. As I got back into the truck I saw him turn and give one last, longing look then he walked through the doors. I took every bit of strength that I had not to run after him screaming and begging him not to go. Instead I got into the truck, put it in drive, and somehow managed to make it back home before breaking down. I pulled into my driveway, leaned my head against my arms on the steering wheel and my body was racked with sobs. I don't know how in the hell I keep telling my husband goodbye, I am not whole without him, my family isn't whole without him. I have come to view airports as places of great sadness. He told me I was his favorite person in the whole world and that he just wished he could sit next to me eating watermelon and watching tv every night for the rest of his life. Might not be movie material but it is what we have, it is "that kind" of love and when he isn't here it just breaks me in two.

Comments

  1. *hugs* I thought about you all yesterday...you have a very tough job.

    *hugs*

    ReplyDelete

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