Whispers from within

Sometimes it is hard to keep up the positive thoughts. Sometimes they seem like total bullshit, a bunch of hippy psycho-babble shoved down our throats to keep us from seeing the grit of real life. Sometimes they numb us, comfort us, keep us from just crawling into bed and staying there until our hair is in dreads and our sheets stink of body odor. But today my happy, positive, Bob Ross thoughts came to a halt. I have been fighting all week to see the good in myself but today the walls came crashing down and I realized I am tired of pretending it is all blue skies and calm waters. What I have realized is that I have a pretty deep case of self-loathing, even bordering on self-hate. Kind of amazing for someone who is so confident. Yeah, or a really good faker, the self-deprication disguised as humor, the laugh when I say "never trust a skinny cook", thin veils of my own public attempts to punish myself for becoming this person.

The real me is trapped in this behemoth of flesh and fat, the active girl. Player of frisbee, football, tennis, and outdoor games in general. The swimmer and surfer, the dancing fool.........that is who I really am. This couch sitter, this face stuffer, she isn't me, she isn't how I am in my mind, she has taken over my life and turned it upside down. And I am powerless to stop her. Sometimes I sit and wonder how on earth I doubled in size, it didn't happen overnight, it happened slowly and I saw it coming. So many lonely years, my only friend a pint of ben and jerrys, my only comfort found in a plate of warm, steaming food. Feeling less and less like doing the things I loved. I didn't realize how depressed I had become, I thought I didn't need help because I wasn't suicidal. I wish I would have know what damage I was doing to myself by self-medicating with food. If I had just gotten help I may not be in this postion. I figured I was dealing with things on my own....then I woke up one day and realized I had gained 120 pounds. Oops, guess I didn't deal with things as great as I thought I had. Damn college psych. classes!

So now what do I do? Obviously I need to sort out my feelings and find out what my emotional triggers are that make me eat. Hmmm....everything. I reward and comfort myself with food. It is a sick cycle. Then I feel guilt and shame, I feel like a failure and an idiot for eating. So now I am in a cycle of guilt, shame, hunger, need, and depression. The solution is simple enough, exercise, eat normal portions. Simple. So why am I sitting here wallowing in self-pity when it is a gorgeous evening and I could be enjoying a walk? I have nothing, no reason other than what good will it do? I feel like I am so far gone at this point that nothing will him. Sel-defeat at it's finest, ugh. How do I get off this pathetic merry go round?

Comments

  1. I know you can do it! Just set small milestones that you can accomplish...like I will go on a 30 minute walk 5 days a week....then add on...I know you can do it, if it is what you WANT you will find away :)
    *hugs* Let me know if I can help in anyway. We can get out and get active together if you wanna?
    I especially don't like that you are talking so down on yourself, you ARE wonderful, you ARE beautiful, and you DESERVE to feel happy :)

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  2. Thanks Nicole! Sometimes I go back and read what I've written....I was in a really dark place then...I didn't realize how dark.

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