Well.......ah, hmmm...

Mostly rambling on about a little bit of everything in my head today. We took a day trip to Dubai last week or the week before, it is easy to forget, the days sort of blend together when you are living a pretend life. My life is largely pretend, I have no car so I don't leave the house unless Casey is willing to, I have no friends really so I don't socialize unless it is on the computer which doesn't really count, the kids have no school or activities......we just hang around in our little apartment trying to stay entertained and make the best of things, we look forward to a rare trip to the park. I guess I thought I would have made more progress by now, friends, or something.......the moms group I joined has all their activities on the other side of the island so I don't get to go to them.....sigh. It is hard to stay positive right now. At this point I just want to go home, Bahrain has lost it's charm for me, it is expensive, dusty, and I am just so damn lonely. I long for the green grass, my dads lake house, the beach, thunderstorms.......tall pine trees, birds, crickets, frogs.....I miss the sights, sounds, and smells of Florida so much. I miss my family, my sister and nieces and nephew...I am homesick! I feel like Skye is not going to know her family at all because she is so young. I have no idea how long we will be here or even when we are going to be able to go home for a visit, I hate not knowing. I just want to go home, to my home......it isn't just a house to me, it is something that Casey and I built together for our family. We put our memories there, our special times, Skye was made there........we had a life there in those 4 walls, in that neighborhood, in that community. I miss sitting on my sofa next to Casey and looking up at the walls and seeing what we've done, seeing the stamp we put on the house to make it a home..........from the bright colors to my great-grandmothers hutch to the funky mid-century credenza we got on ebay....it is all us, not anyone else. Our personalities are there, our love, our tears, our fights and our kisses and make-ups.......the nights we spent in our bed talking until dawn.......or nursing my sweet little baby, the hours spent doing homework or schoolwork at the kitchen table.......my great-grandmothers odd bookshelf that houses my collection of cookbooks and family recipes. And those are just the things that you can see..........what you can't see is the 30 year old avon pressed poweder in the top of my closet in a special box.....it was my Nana's and when she died and we went to clean out her house I took the avon pressed powder from her bathroom, it smells just like her face always did when I went to kiss her, what you can't see is the lock of hair I have in an envelope from when Clint gave Lexi her first haircut, what you can't see is the 11 years of artwork, schoolwork, spelling tests, and report cards that I have saved so I can look back on Lexi's childhood as she grows further away from being a child. I miss looking up at the guitar hanging on my living room wall and being so impressed that my husband made it and loving the way his hands look when he plays. So you may think it is just a house full of material things but to me, my life is in there and I really want to get back to it.


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